So. There have been some very thoughtful contributions to this discussion elsewhere, for various reasons. I thought it might be nice to have a central posting area for stuff on this very broad topic. Shared ideas, advice, thoughts, complaints and hopefully, congratulations!

OK, so, me and Mr Tater have been trying for a baby for nearly three years and we waited two years before I even GOT pregnant the first time! I've subsequently had five miscarriages, all at varying stages, never got beyond eight weeks. I've given up sugar, alcohol, the dog (all in case they were having an adverse effect) but to no avail. This time round we tried taking half an aspirin every day, in case it was a clotting issue, but that didn't work either.

The consultant I saw before I got pregnant was very unencouraging. He pointed out that as I was over 40 I would most likely never get pregnant, if I did I would probably lose it, and if I didn't lose it, there would probably be something wrong with the baby. Nice! Anywho, I refused to go back to him so I've now been referred to a consultant at a different hospital who I'm seeing on the 14th October. A lady this time, who I'm hoping will be a leetle more sensitive.

I don't qualify for IVF on the NHS as I'm over 39, and we have no spare money as I've been out of work for a while. Family have been approached for loans, but refused saying that it was a waste of money. So now we need to look into why I'm repeatedly miscarrying.

We've also started looking into adoption. We had our first Information Session yesterday, with about seventeen other couples, and watched a presentation by two social workers. it was really good. They covered all the legal aspects, the procedures we'd all have to go through if we pursued it, explained all the terminology and broke down the process into all it's component parts. They also introduced us to a lady who adopted a sibling group of FOUR children (can you imagine? overnight?) seven years ago, and she did a bit of talking and answered a lot of questions. There was also a video looking at four different sets of people who'd adopted and they talked about how it worked for them. It was a really fabulous presentation and we found it very encouraging. We've filled in the forms to go onto the next stage, which will be a short visit to see if we've got any "NO" marks against us, but if we haven't, we'll then have a series of four, two hour, fortnightly sessions with two social workers, to build up a report about who we are and whether we are suitable.

The paperwork we have indicates that the process is exhaustive, but I think it will be interesting. How can you come out of a provess like that and not have gained something? Even if it's only a deeper understanding of each other or onesself?

So that's who I am today, and where I'm at around having a family.

Thanks all, for contributing. I am deeply moved that you've all commented and very touched. As Kristen says, we need to talk more and more in order to share ideas, solutions, strength and support. It's the only way. It's always been my way, but I find that a lot of people find it quite hard to do. Online, perhaps, is easier.

I have to go now because I have an appointment to rush to, but I just wanted to say thanks and I'll be back later.

xxxx

My GP said something wonderful to me...... she said "if I took all my over 40 women patients off contraceptives today, our surgery and hospitals wouldn't be able to support the mass of pregnancies and births we'd have to cope with in 40 weeks time. So don't give up." And I'm not.

Phew! Busy, tiring, wonderful weekend!! Now I have time to post properly.

Melcy I wonder if you've come across a fabulous book called "Taking Charge of Your Own Fertility" by Toni Weschler? If you haven't I can heartily recommend it and everything in it! Actually I'd recommend it to every woman over the age of eleven, simply for information on sexual health. The simple and helpful stuff that's in there that doctors know but choose not to share with women is staggering. My sister-in-law tried for four years to conceive her first child, but with the help of this book fell pregnant two months in. As did two of her friends. And me. I've recommended it to people till I'm blue in the face. Ladies, if you know someone who's trying for a baby or has sexual health issues, they need a copy for Christmas. Simple.

I take heart from the fact that I know so many women who have had first, second and third babies well into their forties - and they always have had, right through history. My grandmother had my mother when she was 41 or 44 (accounts differ) and we've all come across children who were "the happy mistake", born to a mother of 45, 46 or 47.

I also keep in mind the fact that when I was taught about sexual health as a young teenager, I learned that girls are born with enough eggs to last several lifetimes.... but then when we hit 35 they tell us that the eggs left by the time you're forty aren't as good as the ones when we were twenty. That's just nuts. If I've got enough eggs for seventy lifetimes, some of them have to be perfectly alright still. I'm happy to have statistics waved around in front of my face, but I'd like to see the number of women who gave birth after the age of 35 whose babies were perfectly FINE waved in front of my face too. Gah. Doctors.

Adoption update... we've been given a date for our first interview. 21st October. 3.30pm. SQUEAK!

Yeah. Looking at profile pictures of Mr Tater and myself, you might guess it was a deep friend item!

Deep friend???? Deep FRIED!

Hey lady. Not too personal for me. I think it's important to be as frank as possible about all this stuff, or women really think they shouldn't talk about it or that it's private, or taboo in some way. The more open we are, the more we acknowledge what we're all going through or have been through. And we learn more. It's good.

The more open I am about what I've been through, the more stories I share with other women who have been through a trial of their own. We're able to give something to each other, I think. Maybe it's just being able to listen to one another. I don't know.

I was so sorry that you lost your twins. That hit me right in the throat. I wish I could give you a hug, right now.

Well, today I met a gynae consultant who appeared to be awake and actually thinking (unlike the last one!). I had a RAFT of blood tests - seven - and when we've got the results back in a couple of weeks we'll know whether I'm diabetic, whether Will and I are incompatible (he had a blood test too) or whether I've got blood that clots too much. She said the next appointment would be in three months and I said I didn't have three months. She grinned at me and said not to worry, she'd put a note on the file to say that if anything came up I was to be dragged back in immediately! I feel really hopeful now, and I feel like the medical profession is actually paying attention now. That's nice.

That's it. She said it was a check on chromasomes. I didn't ask for the fine detail but she said it was basically incompatibility and as that was one of the two things I was going to ask about, that was enough for me. My husband's great aunt had brought it up as she was incompatible with her husband. If it comes up as a problem, we'll know it's something to do with these men in the family we married into!!

Hee hee, I know they have. I just want the damn answers TODAY!

Oh and Bevi I did raise the issue you found out about after your research into frequent miscarriage and she said that this test would probably cover that, but it might be something that they would look into if the remedies for chromasomal incompatability (if needed) don't work.

We-e-ell. Not so good. We had the first adoption process interview this afternoon. It was a good interview, we felt. Neither of us have a problem answering questions or being straight about who we are and where we've come from to get where we are so no stress about that.

I happened to mention that we were waiting for the results of blood tests to work out why I kept miscarrying. The social worker running the interview said that they had better not continue with the interview because any investigation counts as fertility treatment, and they don't interview people who are still undergoing fertility procedures.

Well, we'd seen the criteria, and it states clearly that people who are undergoing fertility treatment aren't eligible until they've closed the door on results from IVF and suchlike. But I was gobsmacked that waiting for the results of a blood test count.

They left immediately. We hadn't even finished the interview. If we decide to proceed with adoption after we've had the results, we would have to have the remainder of this interview rescheduled. She wouldn't even finish the series of questions that they have to ask. The second social worker wanted to continue and finish the interview, but the other one was out the door, no negotiation, no conversation. We both feel really cheated and upset, like we've been left hanging midway through a sentence. It's such a shock. We were expecting to have moved on by the end of today, to have got somewhere with the adoption procedure, to be a step closer to being parents. But we're back where we started. We're both very sad tonight.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for all the support and best wishes that have been posted elsewhere in the run up to the interview. We really really valued the cheerleading and it meant a lot to have that behind us.

Guess we wait for test results now. My next hosital appointment has been scheduled for the 20th January. No rush then. I feel like I could be playing this game until some silly &rse notices that it's too late. By which time I'll probably be over the age limit for adoption. Gah.

PT xxxx

And quite rightly. My gripe is that we aren't having fertility treatment and adoption is very much my first option. We are simply trying to find out why I miscarry. It's a different conversation, to my mind. People who are fertile can go forward for adoption, and that's who we are. They only ask you not to get pregnant when a child has been found for a match, and to refrain from trying for a year. Which seems very fair. The whole situation is totally cock-eyed.

They'd say that technically there is no age limit for adoption, but they also warn you that people over fifty rarely get accepted. So if we wait until I absolutely have exhausted every avenue to have our own, we could be poncing about for another five years.